It’s strange to feel rejected by your own body. How who I am is what’s making this impossible. I love being gay, I love everything about it except for this. I want to be able to make a baby out of love with the person I’m with. I want to look at our baby and look for resemblance, my nose, your eyes, your grandma’s bad temper and my curly blonde hair. We talk about this often, what is genetic and what is taught and developed through experience and environment. Point is, I can wish and wish that V and I will have a baby that’s half her half me but it’s not going to happen. Uterus x 2 does not make a baby. It does make clothes swapping easier though! I’ve dreamt two nights in a row that I was pregnant, I also dreamt I was running a 10 day marathon while eating a giant grape. So generally speaking I’m not reading too much into my dreams.
Yesterday we signed the contract we wrote for doing inseminations at home with a known donor. Our fabulous, sweet friend who decided to help us out. I can barely look at him because all I want to do is thank him a million times while bawling my eyes out because I’m so completely overwhelmed by gratitude that I can’t even explain or handle it. There is actually a chance I might be pregnant at the end of this week. After almost a year we are finally at this point again, thankfully without the clomid and with a bit more sanity (not much) as a result. I’m hoping tomorrow is D day so for today I am relaxing, slowing down and hoping.