A house full of family is the best kind of house

Watching the Oscars cuddle style

Ok I realize this doesn't look very appetizing but I made homemade palak paneer with saffron rice and it was amazing! 

Spicy bean soup

Green tea, strawberries and grandma/Kara made blueberry muffins

Beautiful walk down by the river

We stood silent and listened to the sound of water, dreaming of a backyard with a small creek

Adventure - we need to reconnect.

Some days it’s so easy for me to stay positive, to keep my head well above water, recognizing that my journey has nothing to do with anyone else’s. That my journey, lessons and karma is mine alone and everything is exactly the way it’s supposed to be. In those moments I know that when we do have a child it will be the one exact soul that was meant for us.

Then there are the days when I catch a glimpse of a woman with 5 kids hanging around her legs, crossing the street and yelling at them to hurry and I just want to scream. Why? Why couldn’t I keep one child and other people are blessed with five? Why can a crack head living on the street get pregnant and I can’t?  It’s an embarrassing, heavy resentment but I can’t help feeling that way sometimes. Pregnant 15 year old train wrecks on television anyone? Those shows make me want to claw my eyes out.  At times it’s too much to handle. I’ve thought many times what it would feel like to just say, you know what? Let’s just stop. Let’s not get ourselves into any more debt. Let’s stop the charting, the ovulation tests and focus on something else than my uterus, that thing gets way too much attention!  Let’s travel the world like gypsies and spoil our friends’ kids instead. Sleep in on the weekends and take last minute trips. If only it were that easy.

The past week has been so good, I felt like the queen of the world, look at me spreading all this positive energy! Look at me totally believing that this year we will be moms! I was all “Yo universe! I can handle this, I can handle anything, come at me bro!” Then I see a one year old baby and am reminded, yet again, that that’s what we would have right now if I hadn't lost our baby.  And somewhere between my eyes landing on that chubby baby’s face and the part where my heart will always be missing a little part from losing ours, something just falls in me. An invisible curtain of endurance that sweeps up and down without asking for permission or timing. One step forward, two steps back. I cried in the bathroom at work. Then I cried in my car outside the grocery store. I couldn't find any ripe avocados and I almost lost my mind. Why are there no ripe fucking avocados!! Can someone call the manager? Do you know there are no ripe avocados? This is unacceptable and outrageous!!! (Insert crying in car). Then I came home to my parents in law and my wife and two ecstatic dogs and a nice cooked meal (sans guacamole) with wine and deep conversations about metaphysics and déjà vu and I felt so, so blessed.

When in doubt... wiener puppies!

Day three, still in bed with the worst flu I’ve has since the winter of 2006, when multiple doctors took multiple test and told me they didn’t recognize what they were seeing. This is not quite as bad but mixing a bad head cold with migraine grade headaches, eye aches, constant back pain and feeling like I’m going to faint when I stand up is not exactly a cocktail of fun. The first night I was in so much pain I was moaning, praying for mercy and writhing like a birthing cow, making V and the dog both leave the bedroom. I’ve been falling asleep somewhere between 6 and 7 pm and sleeping for 12 hours waking up only to blow my nose or mumble something about not being able to live unless I have this 

Then there was the one night where V yelled out “HOMESCHOOLIIIING!!!” tourettes style in her sleep. Not only waking me up with a heart attack but also making me gigglecoughcouchgiggleouchmyhead. It hasn’t all been bad though, I have been well taken care of, been brought soup and candy (everyone knows Rolos cures colds!), a smoothie and countless cups of tea and homemade Portuguese bread and she even made me cinnamon buns from scratch! Plus I have set a new personal record in episodes watched of House Hunters International in less than 48 hours, so like I said, it hasn't all been for nothing!

Recently enjoyed

Quinoa bites. My new obsession, so good and healthy and I think they will make great veggie hamburger patties for the summer as well. 

Ingredients for the best breakfast smoothie.

Greek salad with our staple house dressing, we keep this one around for everything. Olive oil, vinegar, fresh lemon juice and lots of salad spice, so easy and so delish.

I swear half of the joy of making popcorn is our popcorn maker. I love it.

My Valentine's surprise dinner, three days before Valentine's =)

The card says "you make me the happiest woman in the world aka Jackpine" when later asked about it she went "because Jackpine is my world" good save my friend, good save.