Sunday, 30 September 2012

marathons, heated seats and love letters

I love fall, it is by far my favourite time of the year. Everything slows down, there’s a chill in the air and a darkness that creeps closer every night. When it’s darker outside it seems lighter inside, more candles, more lights in the house, longer dinners and guilt free marathons on tv. There’s Halloween and Thanksgiving and birthdays, a time to gather and enjoy.  Tea and pumpkin pie and heated seats in the car. Crunchy leaves and veins of colour on the mountains.  I love this season so much I want to stalk it on facebook and write it love letters. Gush about how spectacular this last explosion of colour is, so vivid that it’ll stay behind our eyelids far into winter, when everything is white and gray, we will still remember this. 

Friday, 28 September 2012

invisible finishing lines, gasping for air and saying yes

It’s always been in the back of my mind, the invisible finish line, the one where there are no applause or hands thrown up in victory. Instead it’s just me, holding on to my knees and gasping for air. I've been pushing and pushing  and running but somewhere in the distance that final red line has been looming.
It didn't come without struggle, sometimes the thought of not being the one to carry our baby was so foreign and painful just the thought of it made my skin crawl. But then out of nowhere, Venessa asked if I wanted her to start trying and I said yes without hesitation or time to realize what was coming out of my mouth.


We told people immediately, threw it out there like we were planning a weekend trip. She’s having our baby! It’s happening next month! Holy Yikes! Not entirely sure how I feel yet.

The next chapter has begun; hopefully this one will have a better storyline and a happier ending.

Tuesday, 25 September 2012

fog, warm beds and letting go

The days are shorter and the mornings have that calm promise of fog and soft rain that makes me light candles with my morning coffee and the dogs to come right back to their warm beds. I've been making soup almost every day for the past two weeks while thinking and feeling and letting go and making some big life changing choices that have made my heart feel both light and empty at the same time. 

A new beginning and the end of a long struggle. 

Tuesday, 18 September 2012

salty oceans, new focus and lifted veils

It hasn’t been easy making the change from spending every day with my family to being oceans and continents apart. I think this was my favourite trip in the way that we took so much time to appreciate everything all the time. The bike rides to the beach, the healing evening swims in the salty ocean, sleeping in every day and being so spoiled and well taken care of that the stress and sadness of the past few months seem to disintegrate. 

What has been easy is the new found focus on something else but getting pregnant, on anything else but getting pregnant. For a few months we’ve been Fia and Venessa who goes to Europe, who goes for morning canoe rides and goes out with our friends on the weekends. I am so grateful the veil of depression lifted and I’m almost back to myself. I needed a break, some sun, some time away and my binoculars se on different sights.