Thursday, 29 March 2012

A letter

Dear Clomid,

I’m writing you today to inform you that you no longer hold any power over me. I do honor what you are doing for us in the way of giving us a helping hand. Your 10% increased chance of multiples is very welcomed and your increased egg production is highly appreciated. However, you do not control me, you no longer have the power to tell me how to feel and to put it bluntly, your side effects are dead to me.

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

Sunday, 25 March 2012

Of course it hurts when buds burst. Otherwise why would spring hesitate?

The snow is slowly releasing its death grip on spring and little patches of perfectly green moss are starting to reappear under the trees. In the same way our waiting is slowly and hesitantly nearing the end. I’m finding it harder and harder to get excited about trying to get pregnant. I am beyond excited to be pregnant, but the road there is a hell and a half. It’s the Coquihalla in January during a blizzard with zero vision and summer tires. How many times do you put your heart on the line and get shot before you start wearing a bullet proof vest?  Maybe this is starting to change me, maybe the sadness in my eyes will become a permanent feature? I will get in that car and drive, semi-automatically, without hesitation but without butterflies. Until I get those two red lines, the coveted two perfect lines that mean at last this chapter is coming to an end and I can finally shed my war armour.

I filled my prescription of clomid a couple of days ago, I walked up to the counter and handed the girl my crumbled piece of paper, averted my eyes because I didn’t want her to see them once she realized what I was getting. I felt embarrassed. I felt like she looked at me and knew everything. Have you taken these before? Do you know the side effects? Oh yes I can see here you’ve been on clomid many times. You know the drill then. I walked off with my eyes down, fidgeting with something in my hand that wasn’t there, look up to realize I’m walking down the baby isle. Diapers and soothers and formula and millions of pictures of moms and happy baby faces. Yes, I know the drill.

Wednesday, 21 March 2012


Asparagus soup

Fresh eggs from a local farm. Can't wait to have our own chickens!

Scoping out the location of the future chicken coop, greenhouse and compost. 

Sometimes in the grocery store I get so overwhelmed by all the pretty colours of the veggies. I buy based on aesthetics and then look at recipes after. 

My lovely parents sent us Swedish candy, so yummy!

Made my own garam masala spice mix. A little toasty toasty...

and a little grindy grindy


Used that mix to make some butter chicken!

Found the perfect seamless/match box of hairdye. The year long search is over!

Came home to this lovely vision one day. Tiko is the main suspect. I should add there were mouldy brussel sprouts in this garbage, if you care to image that magnificent smell throughout the house. 

I want to grow old in an old house, built in an old tree, in an old forest, by an old sea.