Tuesday, 31 January 2012

There's nothing better than slow Sunday mornings, turning the heat up way too high, staying in bed with the dogs and the computer and a wife that brings coffee in bed in your favorite cup. Finally getting up without looking at the time and realizing you have all the ingredients to make scones and then finding a jar of the best jam in the back of the fridge. 

 Starting a day like that and ending it with a massive cup of hot chocolate, getting all the blankets from the bedroom and cuddling on the couch watching too many episodes of Mad men.

Going to Venessa's parents and drinking copious amounts of green tea with coconut oil and freshly baked cookies.

Having a quiet moment in the basement to myself, finally feeling warm after being cold for days and days. Watching the sparks fly out on the concrete floor and a small dog curled up on your lap.

Finding beauty where no one else would notice.

Strength and solidity when your insides are weak and chaotic.

So much to be grateful for.

Thursday, 26 January 2012

How is it possible that it's only been a week? How can time possibly move this painfully slow? I've been up since 4 am, searching google for every early pregnancy symptom ever recorded. Early pregnancy symptoms: fatigue, bloating, nausea, twinges in the lower abdomen, mood swings, sensitivity to smells, dizziness, headaches. Progesterone side effects:  fatigue, bloating, nausea, twinges in the lower abdomen, mood swings, sensitivity to smells, dizziness, headaches.

I know it's pointless to speculate at this point but I can't help it, it is ALL I can think about. And google is the only one who will listen to me at 4 am when I ask questions like "I blew my nose and there was a bit of blood am I pregnant?", "My left foot fell asleep while sleeping, is this an early sign of pregnancy?" "I have two arms could this mean I'm going to have a baby?"and the classic "I am not pregnant, am I?". I kid you not, it is bad.

In more sane news, we had some snow, and by some I mean a shit tonne! There is so much snow piled up in front of our house that I basically have to use a toboggan to get down our front steps. We got snowed in the day before yesterday and had to shovel our roof off to keep it from collapsing in on itself. Lucky for me, I love snow.

Sunday, 22 January 2012

Oh yeah, this familiar feeling!

It’s that time again. I’m waiting, counting down the days, counting the lines on my ovulation tests, counting the minutes of the dreaded two week wait. Counting the signs, counting the number of birth announcements  and growing bellies on my facebook page, wondering if that’ll be me soon, counting down the days left of having to watch that pregnancy test staring me down every time I go to the bathroom. Counting the number of times I check if my boobs are hurting or the number of twinges I feel or if I’m more tired than usual. I think now my boobs are actually hurting from me squeezing them every two minutes to check if they are sore. 

How different the experience of a woman trying to conceive and the one who accidentally happens to. Complete science fiction to me to just wake up one day and realize that oops my period is late and I didn’t even know I was in my two week wait, hell I’ve never even heard the term! Wow do I ever sound bitter. Time to have a imaginative glass of vino and chill out! I need to keep my mind occupied with other things, walking the dogs always helps me, then I can focus on things like “how dorky do I look in this visi-vest?” and “did Higgins just pee on Tiko’s head?!!”.

It’s been 4 days since 2012 insemination #1+2  and total IUI cycle # 7. The progesterone is making me weepy and over sensitive but I’m very excited to get this party started again. 

Monday, 16 January 2012

It’s strange to feel rejected by your own body. How who I am is what’s making this impossible. I love being gay, I love everything about it except for this. I want to be able to make a baby out of love with the person I’m with. I want to look at our baby and look for resemblance, my nose, your eyes, your grandma’s bad temper and my curly blonde hair. We talk about this often, what is genetic and what is taught and developed through experience and environment. Point is, I can wish and wish that V and I will have a baby that’s half her half me but it’s not going to happen. Uterus x 2 does not make a baby. It does make clothes swapping easier though! I’ve dreamt two nights in a row that I was pregnant, I also dreamt I was running a 10 day marathon while eating a giant grape. So generally speaking I’m not reading too much into my dreams.

Yesterday we signed the contract we wrote for doing inseminations at home with a known donor. Our fabulous, sweet friend who decided to help us out. I can barely look at him because all I want to do is thank him a million times while bawling my eyes out because I’m so completely overwhelmed by gratitude that I can’t even explain or handle it. There is actually a chance I might be pregnant at the end of this week. After almost a year we are finally at this point again, thankfully without the clomid and with a bit more sanity (not much) as a result. I’m hoping tomorrow is D day so for today I am relaxing, slowing down and hoping.

Sunday, 8 January 2012

Red Hair Love

I had a moment of shouldIgobacktobrown and needed a reminder of why I love red hair.