Some days it’s so easy for me to stay positive, to keep my head well above water, recognizing that my journey has nothing to do with anyone else’s. That my journey, lessons and karma is mine alone and everything is exactly the way it’s supposed to be. In those moments I know that when we do have a child it will be the one exact soul that was meant for us.
Then there are the days when I catch a glimpse of a woman with 5 kids hanging around her legs, crossing the street and yelling at them to hurry and I just want to scream. Why? Why couldn’t I keep one child and other people are blessed with five? Why can a crack head living on the street get pregnant and I can’t? It’s an embarrassing, heavy resentment but I can’t help feeling that way sometimes. Pregnant 15 year old train wrecks on television anyone? Those shows make me want to claw my eyes out. At times it’s too much to handle. I’ve thought many times what it would feel like to just say, you know what? Let’s just stop. Let’s not get ourselves into any more debt. Let’s stop the charting, the ovulation tests and focus on something else than my uterus, that thing gets way too much attention! Let’s travel the world like gypsies and spoil our friends’ kids instead. Sleep in on the weekends and take last minute trips. If only it were that easy.
The past week has been so good, I felt like the queen of the world, look at me spreading all this positive energy! Look at me totally believing that this year we will be moms! I was all “Yo universe! I can handle this, I can handle anything, come at me bro!” Then I see a one year old baby and am reminded, yet again, that that’s what we would have right now if I hadn't lost our baby. And somewhere between my eyes landing on that chubby baby’s face and the part where my heart will always be missing a little part from losing ours, something just falls in me. An invisible curtain of endurance that sweeps up and down without asking for permission or timing. One step forward, two steps back. I cried in the bathroom at work. Then I cried in my car outside the grocery store. I couldn't find any ripe avocados and I almost lost my mind. Why are there no ripe fucking avocados!! Can someone call the manager? Do you know there are no ripe avocados? This is unacceptable and outrageous!!! (Insert crying in car). Then I came home to my parents in law and my wife and two ecstatic dogs and a nice cooked meal (sans guacamole) with wine and deep conversations about metaphysics and déjà vu and I felt so, so blessed.