Thursday, 5 April 2012

I’ve been reading a bit lately about how to approach someone who’s struggling with infertility and what to/not to say when trying to offer advice and support. I have heard all the classics “Just relax, it’ll happen”, “why don’t you just adopt” or my personal favourite “my husband just has to look at me and I get pregnant” Oh really, isn’t that just kick- you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic? (I’m writing this at 3.30 in the morning, I have NO idea where that Friends reference came from!) Do I realize people are just trying to be nice? Of course!  Is telling me to relax helping me? Not so much. I hate to say it but the one thing we are not going to have is a “surprise” baby.

Yesterday we went to get some ovulation tests at the drugstore and the woman at the till commented on how ridiculously expensive they are. She went on to tell us how her daughter had been buying them too and then she looked straight at me and said good luck and gave me a wink. As we were walking out I kept saying that was nice, that was so nice..that was SO nice! Would it have been awkward if I had done a sideways jump over the counter and hugged her? . A small moment of feeling a little less alone.

I’ve read all about how to shelter yourself from baby showers and buying yourself a gift for mother’s day and being gentle with yourself and what you can handle and that sometimes it’s ok to walk away from a conversation with too much baby talk. I understand why people have to do these things, I can’t even count the times I’ve had to tune out of a conversation because if I didn’t I would have gone into the deep depths of the ugly cry, a spectacle I’d rather save for alone time. I just start thinking of puppies and perfectly ripe avocados or roller coasters! I read about these things and it resonates so deeply but I can’t buy in to it. If I wanted to shelter myself from babies and kids and pregnant ladies I would literally never be able to leave my house.

I’m so lucky to have a solid group of friends and family that want nothing but the best for me. I literally am blown away with the kindness and generosity that surrounds me.  Their presence in my life is a constant source of gratefulness, and if I do happen to have a bad day I know they’ve got my back. Besides I refuse to be someone who can’t be supportive and fully present for my friends. I refuse to let this break me. This month the clomid seems to have given me some kick assedness instead of the usual repertoire, speaking of roller coasters.