I can’t be your friend

I am too occupied with quieting myself

Playing poker with muses of faraway lands

I have nothing to give you this time

Since I’ve been held at gunpoint by sirens

Deep in a forest of make-believe

So you see I am not able to drive tonight

My judgment is skewed

Driving away forces, drunk on prana

I can’t come out tonight

I have lost my breath, I am too busy

Running with wolves

I love...

That ships are always female

Seing my family’s faces on skype

Laying in bed with a glass of cold chardonnay while she reads to me about bones from her biology book

Seeing my friends laugh across the table

The best part of my favourite song on my car stereo alone with my thoughts

 A cup of tea with lavender at work while watching the clouds unveil the mountains

Seing the first of the year, beaded with rain drops, perfectly black bear

The purple candle we bought at ikea that makes our bedroom smell like cinnamon married vanilla

A warm dog against my back in the early morning

The sound of an upright bass played live

Laying feet to feet under a warm blanket while the wind makes the trees dance outside

False positives, shark week and orange cars..

Did you know there’s something called an evaporation line on a pregnancy test? It’s this faint little gray line that appears where the bright pink line should be. It’s a cruel joke sending your hopes and dreams into a spiral of chaos. I saw a line. I swear I saw something appear and although no other human being would be able to see it, even though I had to squint, spin around three times, turn the lights on and off and blink repetitively, I saw it! For two hours I thought I was pregnant. For two hours I had planned my surprise reveal to Venessa. I felt like I could finally let my friends and family off the hook of feeling sorry for me.  Then I started goggling. And then I took another test, and another, and three tests a day for days on end and the line didn’t get darker. Then auntie flow showed up, flowmotion was in the house, shark week began, you get the point. Did this blog post just go through the five stages of grief in 5 minutes? Because that’s all the time I have, tomorrow I get to go back on the drugs ya’ll! You know how much I love my clomid.

Despite all of that I had a really great weekend with lots of happy distractions, going to the carnival with my favourite little person, being invited to a fancy dinner and having lots of laughs and lots of desserts with friends, had a scrumptious breakfast made for me and fell in love with a small orange car. 

Our big day at the carnival..