The first couple of days after we found out Venessa was pregnant I couldn’t stop crying. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel happy or excited. It was the sadness for the part of me that didn’t. It didn’t matter that I stopped drinking coffee and took hormones and prayed and begged and wanted. Because that’s not how it works. Good things don’t always happen to good people but you can chose how you deal with the bad and focus on the blessings you have. And we most definitely have a lot of those.
Every day we talk and plan and worry and freak out from excitement. Our neighbours had us over for sushi and gave us a bag of gifts for the baby. A blanket, a couple of stuffed animals and a small yellow onesie. I don’t know how many times I’ve gone into the spare bedroom and taken the bag out and looked at the things inside. It’s hard to believe that it’s for us, that it’s for our baby this time.
Last night I took Higgins for a walk around the block. Stepping out of the warm house into this almost surreal winter landscape. The snow so heavy and thick on the trees they look almost fake, as if made out of icing and carefully shaped into trees. The orange glow of town in the distance radiating, porch lights revealing the glittering surface of driveways carefully plowed and Christmas lights lining every roof peak. There are few places where you can take a deep breath and feel nothing but pure peace and happiness. Winter does that for me. The quiet of living out of town.
This week our bay is the size of a jellybean, which may sound small but for us it is the greatest thing.